I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
