I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
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