Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
