I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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