I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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