I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
