you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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