You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
