I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
