I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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