she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There r osticjed everywhere
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
