The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
