Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
and you fell through a lawn chair
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize