He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
