this beer tastes like vomit already
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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