my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
