I wish I could teleport
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
