I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
