I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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