did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
