Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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