im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
