I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
