I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
