I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
