I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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