U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize