I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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