I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Randomize
