So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize