currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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