Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
