he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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