so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
