i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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