I wish I only lived at night.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize