Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
