I hate all girls vehemently.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize