well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
