after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize