My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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