I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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