I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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