"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
