I am midnight drunk by noon
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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