you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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