i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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