I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
