That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
