I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
