woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
