He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
