Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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