he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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