Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It was like getting head from an anaconda
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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