you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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