i think my mom watched the whole time
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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