DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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