weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
