Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
