I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
