just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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